I have been thinking about starting to blog again for a while now...I feel like it would be somewhat therapeutic to talk about what's been going on in my life. Although I originally started this blog as a way to keep up with family, at least for the next little while I'm going to be focusing more on me.
So, now for the big "A" word
Anxiety.
I recently decided that it was time that I talked with a doctor about the anxiety that I have been experiencing and try to find some solutions.
To start I'm going to talk about three main questions about my anxiety: What does my anxiety feel like? How long have I been feeling this way? And, What are my options for treatment?
What does my anxiety feel like?
When I first told Aaron that I had scheduled an appointment to talk with a doctor about anxiety medications, I think he was a little confused. He didn't know what I meant when I said I had been feeling "off" for several weeks/months. For me, I feel like my anxiety is always present in the back of my mind. It's mostly a quiet voice in my mind that diminishes everything I am. Especially in social situations. I hate going to events where I don't know people, or where I'll have to make small talk. I constantly have an inner dialogue of "they don't want to talk to me", "I can't believe I just said that, do they think I'm stupid", "does this person understand my sarcasm, or do they think I'm just really mean", "I wish I wasn't here". Aaron doesn't get why I hate events, but to me it's just so exhausting! But it's even more than that. I don't like interacting with people in general. I don't like making phone calls (in fact I'll put it off as long as possible if it's not necessary), I don't like answering the front door, I'll go out of my way to avoid talking to people. I always assume people won't remember me, or want to talk to me, so even if I recognize someone (say at the grocery store) I won't say hello to them unless they say hello first and then I try to keep conversation to a minimum. I'm sure people have thought that I was rude or that I didn't like them because of the way that I acted, but it's really just because I'm self-conscious about whether they actually want to talk to me, or they're just being polite.
When I'm at home my anxiety is usually a little better without the outside judgement that I always feel when I'm in public, but it is still present. I have to keep calendars and to do lists of the things I need to get done because I'm constantly forgetting things because my brain is always switching from one thing to the next. I have a hard time focusing on one task because I keep thinking about the other things I need to get done. I'll decide to do the dishes, but then I can't do the dishes until I clean off the table, and I can't clean off the table until I clean off the counter, where do all of these school papers go, does Abby need to keep them or can I throw them away, what is this paper about an activity at school, she needs to take what to school, does she even have that, I think I saw one up on the craft table, oh my goodness the craft table is a mess, I can't put stuff away until I clean out the cupboard, my goodness the whole playroom is a mess, this goes in the girls room, holy cow the girls room is a mess too, oh and I still need to do their laundry, let's gather up all their laundry and get that started, oh and I should throw William's clothes in there too...where is William..I haven't heard him in a while...crap. This is my brain. All day, every day. And in the end I just feel exhausted. But I can't sleep because my brain still continues the dialogue through the night. And all of this is just how I feel normally, not even adding anything remotely stressful into the mix. That's when my symptoms switch from mental, to physical.
When something stressful happens, I feel like my body responds physically instead of emotionally. If someone were to ask me how I was doing, I would say fine, because mentally, I'm fine. I'm not freaking out, I have everything under control. But really, I can't breathe. I feel like I'm carrying around a weighted vest, and that I can't take a full breath. I feel like my heart is beating fast, but really it's not. My body feels overwhelmed and that translates to sensory overload. Sounds are too loud, lights are too bright, and most especially touch is way too much. It feels like my whole body is electrified and if someone tries to touch me it's like it's sending an electric charge across my skin. And when it's really bad, I have a panic attack. I hyperventilate, and cry(sob really). I get through it by repeating my mantra "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay" while trying to regulate my breathing. All fun stuff, right?
How long have I been feeling this way?
My daily anxiety has been present for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone felt the way I did. Honestly I didn't realize that I was different until one time, watching a movie with my mom, and the main characters meet and just start talking to each other and end up setting up a date for later that night. I turned to my mom and said something like, "do people actually do that? Just start talking to people that they don't know, and start hanging out with them?" and she looked at me a little strange and said, "yes...I talk to people all the time. In line at the grocery store, or at the bank(her work)". And that was so foreign to me! I could not understand how people could do that! Even just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. That's when I first started thinking that maybe what I was feeling was something beyond normal. This was probably...oh, 6 months ago. Then, last month my anxiety became overwhelming. We had several stressful events happen in succession. Aaron went out of town, then his brother and our niece were in a car accident, we went down to help them out while they were still in the hospital, then when we came back, Aaron went in to the ER because he had been feeling some chest pains(turns out it was acid reflux, but we didn't know that for a few weeks), then the next week my brother was coming in to town for a visit (fun, but stressful getting ready), and Haley had another doctors appointment and MRI. By the time all of this was done, I just felt drained. Emotionally and physically. It got to the point that I was only doing the bare minimum.
I would wake up when I had to. I had to take the girls to school. I would wash clothes and dishes when clean ones ran out, but other than that I would sit on the couch and watch tv. I couldn't even gather up the motivation to do anything else. I would be sitting there, thinking about all of the things I could be doing, SHOULD be doing, but I couldn't even force myself off the couch. I would feel accomplished for performing even the smallest tasks, but that feeling would soon go away once I realized that Aaron would be home soon and would see/not see everything that I hadn't done.
It was then that I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. Something had to change. Aaron's work schedule is unpredictable at best, and has him gone for weeks at a time at the worst. And next year he's going to be deployed. I have to function. So I fought everything in me and made a phone call. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about anxiety medication. Which brings me to number 3:
What are my options for treatment?
I set out with the intention of starting anxiety medication. I know that talking with a therapist could help and I intend to add it into my treatment plan, but for right now I knew that what I was experiencing was beyond the "I'm feeling stressed and I need to talk to someone about it" stage. I talked with my doctor about what I had been feeling and what had been going on. I described my symptoms and explained what I was looking for in a medication. And I was given a prescription for Zoloft. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks now. I've definitely noticed an improvement. I am able to motivate myself to accomplish day to day things. I don't feel the beginnings of panic when someone talks to me in the grocery store. And, bonus, I haven't been stress eating all the time, so I've been able to be more purposeful in my eating. However, it's not a magic solution. There will be random times that I can feel the anxiety creeping back in (usually just for a couple minutes) and then it will fade. I still don't like social interaction, but at least I can do it without panicking now. And when something stressful is going on, it still becomes overwhelming. Last week Haley had another appointment with her neurologist and the couple of days leading up to it were still overwhelming and I was back to where I started. I even had a panic attack. So going forward, I may look into the option of a controlled dose for everyday with maybe something that I might be able to add for the times that are super stressful. I don't know whether that would work, or if it's even an option...but I'll talk with my doctor about it at my next appointment.
The other thing I'll be looking to add is counseling. I did talk with a counselor on base...but I was not impressed. I just felt like she wasn't really getting what I was talking about, and she was giving me the textbook answers. I would talk about all the stressful things that were going on last month and she would say "oh, wow. yeah, I can see why you would feel that way". Which I know, doesn't sound like a terrible thing to say, but I didn't really feel like she meant it. It felt like she was just checking the box. "reaffirm feelings- check". Going forward, I want to find a counselor who is LDS also, because I think that would help in understanding my day-to-day lifestyle. That way, if I were to say, "I'm the primary chorister and we just had the primary program last week", they would know exactly what I'm talking about without me having to take a 20 minute detour into explaining what primary is, what I do as the chorister, and what the primary program is. And I feel like they could give me some better advice that would fit my life better, like "have you been reading your scriptures lately?", "how has your personal prayer been going?", "when was the last time you went to the temple?". When I talked with the base counselor she asked me, "when was the last time you did something just for you?". Seriously? I'm a stay at home mom with three small children and a husband in the military who is constantly being sent away for weeks at a time. I honestly just wanted to look at her and say "ain't nobody got time for that!". Besides, I honestly feel like the way to get through these feelings for me is going to be service. Being selfless, not selfish. And I know that sometimes you have to make yourself a priority, but for me, I just don't think that's the long term solution.
Anyway...long post. I don't know if anyone will even read it...but it's mostly for me anyway.
