Okay, so this post is difficult. One of the hardest things about my anxiety is making friends. (geez, I feel like a kindergartener just saying that...) Of course, moving frequently does not help, but that is only one small piece of the craziness. My anxiety makes it hard for me to believe that people actually want to be my friend. Anytime I am talking or hanging out with someone my mind is a constant whirlpool of negative comments:
-They don't really like you
-They're just being polite
-My comment is stupid or irrelevant
-They have their life together, why is my life such a mess
-No one cares what I think
-They're way smarter than I am
-why can't I be that smart/pretty/thin/intelligent/talented/spiritual/etc
-why is this so hard for me when it's obviously so easy for everyone else
-they're going to notice how awkward I am and won't like me
-I'm so uncomfortable
-I just want this to end so I can go back to what I was doing before
-just smile and nod, just smile and nod
-they'll leave eventually
Over the last few weeks as I've opened up about what I've been struggling with, I've had several people tell me: "I just thought you didn't like me". How sad is that! I've been so worried about people not liking me, that I actually just made them think that I didn't like them. Of course I understand why they would think that. I tend to try to keep conversations as short as possible. I sometimes won't respond to texts (especially group texts because I just assume that I was added as an afterthought, or out of pity) if I don't know what to say. Sometimes I won't even answer the door because I just can't deal with people right now.
I haven't had someone that I would willing call my friend since High School. I can probably count on a single hand the people that I truly believed without a doubt were my friends and really liked me for me. (keep in mind, this may be true, or not, but this is my perception) And even then, after I move, I assume that people don't want to talk to me anymore or wouldn't consider me a friend anymore.
When I was 7 or 8, and we lived in Tremonton, my best friend was Jenny. We did everything together and we both had older brothers who were friends and we would all hang out together and make up games together. I still remember some of the games we would play.
When I lived in Kaysville, I don't remember having one best friend. There were times that I was friends with one person, then a few months later it was someone else. I didn't really find "my kind of person" there.
When I lived in Hollister, my best friend was Katie Lindgren. We had separate groups of friends, but she was the one person that I knew I could talk to and would understand me better than anyone else. Honestly I never felt like my other friends really liked me. I assumed they just put up with me.
When I lived in Ogden, it was the worst. No offense to anyone...but I really hate Utah. I felt like everyone was so fake, and that I couldn't really be myself. I went for several months with no friends. I spent several lunches eating by myself(sometimes in the bathroom because I couldn't stand to sit at a table alone). Finally I became friends with two other girls from my choir class, but I always felt awkward because they were friends before and I was new. I didn't know all the people that they knew, and I never really felt like I could be myself.
When I lived in Rapid City, my best friend was Emily Beu. Once again I found someone that I could be my crazy self with. But, we didn't go to the same school, so school days were still hard. I made friends with some of the drama/choir kids at my school, and it was okay. I felt like I could be myself with them because they were more accepting than anyone else. But I also had a hard time believing that they really wanted to be friends with me. In my mind, at best they were way out of my league and I was just lucky to tag along sometimes. At worst I thought that maybe they even found me annoying, but they felt bad for me so they let me hang around.
Since being married, Aaron is my person. He is my best friend and the one that I would always rather spend my time with. Everywhere we've lived, I have found people that I am friendly with. Maybe we hang out sometimes. Maybe they will invite me to group events. But I never have felt a real connection with anyone else. I still feel awkward referring to anyone as "my friend". What if they don't consider me a friend? What if I jinx it by calling them my friend and then they never invite me to anything ever again?
And any of my friends from my past? I just assume they don't even think about me anymore. I still keep up with some of my old friends on facebook, but I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to think we were still friends.
How crazy is that? Now that I've been on medication for a few months, I'm starting to realize that maybe people do like me, and would be friends with me. Maybe my old friends would like hearing a "hey, how have you been" every once in a while. Maybe the whole world and every single person I meet doesn't find me strange or annoying.
It's a strange world now. I'm still getting used to the idea of letting people really know me and actually putting in the effort to be friendly.
So, to my friends from the past. I'm sorry if you felt like I forgot about you, I haven't. I'm sorry if you thought that I didn't really like you, I do.
And to those I am currently trying to make friends with, be patient. I'm a work in progress.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
The “D” word
I was surprised when I started my doctor appointments for my anxiety with how often I was asked if I was suicidal. I mean, thinking about it now I guess it makes sense, but it’s just not something that I thought of. My doctor talked about how anxiety and depression often are treated the same way, with the same medications. They often have similar symptoms, and will sometimes fluctuate from one to the other.
I didn’t really think about myself as depressed because I wasn’t “sad”. But since learning more about my anxiety I have recognized that I do have bouts of depression along with my anxiety. This typically happens when I am most overwhelmed. It’s like my body and mind just shut off. I’m super tired, and wake up in the morning not feeling rested. I just want to stay in bed all day. (Not really an option with a toddler running around) And I find no enjoyment in doing things that I typically love. The week before I saw my doctor and started on medication was pretty bad. I spent the whole week on the couch(it would have been my bed if William wasn’t a mini-tornado), just watching tv. I just felt so tired! I couldn’t accomplish anything! One evening that week, I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, but Aaron was in our bathroom, so I laid on the bed to wait for him...and fell asleep! At 630! And I slept for the next 12 hours! You would think that I would have been totally rested and refreshed the next morning...nope. Still tired.
Since being on my medication, this has been better...but not completely gone. This past week has been tough because I also have a cold. So I don’t feel good, I’m tired, and just generally unmotivated. But I have been able to find small things to accomplish or enjoy.
A few days ago I was feeling depressed and usually this creates a very un-fun environment for the girls. They want to do things, they want interaction and all I want to do is send them to bed so I can have some quiet and just rest. So I decided that I would do an activity with them that would take some time, wouldn’t be too loud or messy, that I could mostly control. We made cookies 😂. I told the girls my expectations: I would do the dishes and they would clean off the table and counter and then we could make cookies. I gave Abby the recipe and had her get out all of the ingredients. The kids each took turns putting in the ingredients one at a time, and Abby put each ingredient away as soon as we were done with it. While the cookies were baking they got their pajamas on, and then put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher, and then the cookies were done! This was a great experience for me because it turned my least favorite part of the day(the hour between dinner and bedtime) into something fun for everyone. Plus, then I had cookies. 😍
And these last few days that I have been stuck at home with a cold, I decided I might as well take advantage of it and potty train William(which is going pretty well by the way). I haven’t done the dishes in days, but at least William is peeing in the toilet!
Anyway, I think what I learned most is that depression is more than just “feeling sad”. And that when I find myself feeling this way, I don’t have to shut myself off from my family. I can find small things to do to get through it.
I didn’t really think about myself as depressed because I wasn’t “sad”. But since learning more about my anxiety I have recognized that I do have bouts of depression along with my anxiety. This typically happens when I am most overwhelmed. It’s like my body and mind just shut off. I’m super tired, and wake up in the morning not feeling rested. I just want to stay in bed all day. (Not really an option with a toddler running around) And I find no enjoyment in doing things that I typically love. The week before I saw my doctor and started on medication was pretty bad. I spent the whole week on the couch(it would have been my bed if William wasn’t a mini-tornado), just watching tv. I just felt so tired! I couldn’t accomplish anything! One evening that week, I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, but Aaron was in our bathroom, so I laid on the bed to wait for him...and fell asleep! At 630! And I slept for the next 12 hours! You would think that I would have been totally rested and refreshed the next morning...nope. Still tired.
Since being on my medication, this has been better...but not completely gone. This past week has been tough because I also have a cold. So I don’t feel good, I’m tired, and just generally unmotivated. But I have been able to find small things to accomplish or enjoy.
A few days ago I was feeling depressed and usually this creates a very un-fun environment for the girls. They want to do things, they want interaction and all I want to do is send them to bed so I can have some quiet and just rest. So I decided that I would do an activity with them that would take some time, wouldn’t be too loud or messy, that I could mostly control. We made cookies 😂. I told the girls my expectations: I would do the dishes and they would clean off the table and counter and then we could make cookies. I gave Abby the recipe and had her get out all of the ingredients. The kids each took turns putting in the ingredients one at a time, and Abby put each ingredient away as soon as we were done with it. While the cookies were baking they got their pajamas on, and then put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher, and then the cookies were done! This was a great experience for me because it turned my least favorite part of the day(the hour between dinner and bedtime) into something fun for everyone. Plus, then I had cookies. 😍
And these last few days that I have been stuck at home with a cold, I decided I might as well take advantage of it and potty train William(which is going pretty well by the way). I haven’t done the dishes in days, but at least William is peeing in the toilet!
Anyway, I think what I learned most is that depression is more than just “feeling sad”. And that when I find myself feeling this way, I don’t have to shut myself off from my family. I can find small things to do to get through it.
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