The “D” word

I was surprised when I started my doctor appointments for my anxiety with how often I was asked if I was suicidal. I mean, thinking about it now I guess it makes sense, but it’s just not something that I thought of. My doctor talked about how anxiety and depression often are treated the same way, with the same medications. They often have similar symptoms, and will sometimes fluctuate from one to the other.

I didn’t really think about myself as depressed because I wasn’t “sad”. But since learning more about my anxiety I have recognized that I do have bouts of depression along with my anxiety. This typically happens when I am most overwhelmed. It’s like my body and mind just shut off. I’m super tired, and wake up in the morning not feeling rested. I just want to stay in bed all day. (Not really an option with  a toddler running around) And I find no enjoyment in doing things that I typically love. The week before I saw my doctor and started on medication was pretty bad. I spent the whole week on the couch(it would have been my bed if William wasn’t a mini-tornado), just watching tv. I just felt so tired! I couldn’t accomplish anything! One evening that week, I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, but Aaron was in our bathroom, so I laid on the bed to wait for him...and fell asleep! At 630! And I slept for the next 12 hours! You would think that I would have been totally rested and refreshed the next morning...nope. Still tired.

Since being on my medication, this has been better...but not completely gone. This past week has been tough because I also have a cold. So I don’t feel good, I’m tired, and just generally unmotivated. But I have been able to find small things to accomplish or enjoy.

A few days ago I was feeling depressed and usually this creates a very un-fun environment for the girls. They want to do things, they want interaction and all I want to do is send them to bed so I can have some quiet and just rest. So I decided that I would do an activity with them that would take some time, wouldn’t be too loud or messy, that I could mostly control. We made cookies 😂. I told the girls my expectations: I would do the dishes and they would clean off the table and counter and then we could make cookies. I gave Abby the recipe and had her get out all of the ingredients. The kids each took turns putting in the ingredients one at a time, and Abby put each ingredient away as soon as we were done with it. While the cookies were baking they got their pajamas on, and then put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher, and then the cookies were done! This was a great experience for me because it turned my least favorite part of the day(the hour between dinner and bedtime) into something fun for everyone. Plus, then I had cookies. 😍

And these last few days that I have been stuck at home with a cold, I decided I might as well take advantage of it and potty train William(which is going pretty well by the way). I haven’t done the dishes in days, but at least William is peeing in the toilet!

Anyway, I think what I learned most is that depression is more than just “feeling sad”. And that when I find myself feeling this way, I don’t have to shut myself off from my family. I can find small things to do to get through it.