Okay, so this post is difficult. One of the hardest things about my anxiety is making friends. (geez, I feel like a kindergartener just saying that...) Of course, moving frequently does not help, but that is only one small piece of the craziness. My anxiety makes it hard for me to believe that people actually want to be my friend. Anytime I am talking or hanging out with someone my mind is a constant whirlpool of negative comments:
-They don't really like you
-They're just being polite
-My comment is stupid or irrelevant
-They have their life together, why is my life such a mess
-No one cares what I think
-They're way smarter than I am
-why can't I be that smart/pretty/thin/intelligent/talented/spiritual/etc
-why is this so hard for me when it's obviously so easy for everyone else
-they're going to notice how awkward I am and won't like me
-I'm so uncomfortable
-I just want this to end so I can go back to what I was doing before
-just smile and nod, just smile and nod
-they'll leave eventually
Over the last few weeks as I've opened up about what I've been struggling with, I've had several people tell me: "I just thought you didn't like me". How sad is that! I've been so worried about people not liking me, that I actually just made them think that I didn't like them. Of course I understand why they would think that. I tend to try to keep conversations as short as possible. I sometimes won't respond to texts (especially group texts because I just assume that I was added as an afterthought, or out of pity) if I don't know what to say. Sometimes I won't even answer the door because I just can't deal with people right now.
I haven't had someone that I would willing call my friend since High School. I can probably count on a single hand the people that I truly believed without a doubt were my friends and really liked me for me. (keep in mind, this may be true, or not, but this is my perception) And even then, after I move, I assume that people don't want to talk to me anymore or wouldn't consider me a friend anymore.
When I was 7 or 8, and we lived in Tremonton, my best friend was Jenny. We did everything together and we both had older brothers who were friends and we would all hang out together and make up games together. I still remember some of the games we would play.
When I lived in Kaysville, I don't remember having one best friend. There were times that I was friends with one person, then a few months later it was someone else. I didn't really find "my kind of person" there.
When I lived in Hollister, my best friend was Katie Lindgren. We had separate groups of friends, but she was the one person that I knew I could talk to and would understand me better than anyone else. Honestly I never felt like my other friends really liked me. I assumed they just put up with me.
When I lived in Ogden, it was the worst. No offense to anyone...but I really hate Utah. I felt like everyone was so fake, and that I couldn't really be myself. I went for several months with no friends. I spent several lunches eating by myself(sometimes in the bathroom because I couldn't stand to sit at a table alone). Finally I became friends with two other girls from my choir class, but I always felt awkward because they were friends before and I was new. I didn't know all the people that they knew, and I never really felt like I could be myself.
When I lived in Rapid City, my best friend was Emily Beu. Once again I found someone that I could be my crazy self with. But, we didn't go to the same school, so school days were still hard. I made friends with some of the drama/choir kids at my school, and it was okay. I felt like I could be myself with them because they were more accepting than anyone else. But I also had a hard time believing that they really wanted to be friends with me. In my mind, at best they were way out of my league and I was just lucky to tag along sometimes. At worst I thought that maybe they even found me annoying, but they felt bad for me so they let me hang around.
Since being married, Aaron is my person. He is my best friend and the one that I would always rather spend my time with. Everywhere we've lived, I have found people that I am friendly with. Maybe we hang out sometimes. Maybe they will invite me to group events. But I never have felt a real connection with anyone else. I still feel awkward referring to anyone as "my friend". What if they don't consider me a friend? What if I jinx it by calling them my friend and then they never invite me to anything ever again?
And any of my friends from my past? I just assume they don't even think about me anymore. I still keep up with some of my old friends on facebook, but I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to think we were still friends.
How crazy is that? Now that I've been on medication for a few months, I'm starting to realize that maybe people do like me, and would be friends with me. Maybe my old friends would like hearing a "hey, how have you been" every once in a while. Maybe the whole world and every single person I meet doesn't find me strange or annoying.
It's a strange world now. I'm still getting used to the idea of letting people really know me and actually putting in the effort to be friendly.
So, to my friends from the past. I'm sorry if you felt like I forgot about you, I haven't. I'm sorry if you thought that I didn't really like you, I do.
And to those I am currently trying to make friends with, be patient. I'm a work in progress.
Wednesday, December 20, 2017
Wednesday, December 6, 2017
The “D” word
I was surprised when I started my doctor appointments for my anxiety with how often I was asked if I was suicidal. I mean, thinking about it now I guess it makes sense, but it’s just not something that I thought of. My doctor talked about how anxiety and depression often are treated the same way, with the same medications. They often have similar symptoms, and will sometimes fluctuate from one to the other.
I didn’t really think about myself as depressed because I wasn’t “sad”. But since learning more about my anxiety I have recognized that I do have bouts of depression along with my anxiety. This typically happens when I am most overwhelmed. It’s like my body and mind just shut off. I’m super tired, and wake up in the morning not feeling rested. I just want to stay in bed all day. (Not really an option with a toddler running around) And I find no enjoyment in doing things that I typically love. The week before I saw my doctor and started on medication was pretty bad. I spent the whole week on the couch(it would have been my bed if William wasn’t a mini-tornado), just watching tv. I just felt so tired! I couldn’t accomplish anything! One evening that week, I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, but Aaron was in our bathroom, so I laid on the bed to wait for him...and fell asleep! At 630! And I slept for the next 12 hours! You would think that I would have been totally rested and refreshed the next morning...nope. Still tired.
Since being on my medication, this has been better...but not completely gone. This past week has been tough because I also have a cold. So I don’t feel good, I’m tired, and just generally unmotivated. But I have been able to find small things to accomplish or enjoy.
A few days ago I was feeling depressed and usually this creates a very un-fun environment for the girls. They want to do things, they want interaction and all I want to do is send them to bed so I can have some quiet and just rest. So I decided that I would do an activity with them that would take some time, wouldn’t be too loud or messy, that I could mostly control. We made cookies 😂. I told the girls my expectations: I would do the dishes and they would clean off the table and counter and then we could make cookies. I gave Abby the recipe and had her get out all of the ingredients. The kids each took turns putting in the ingredients one at a time, and Abby put each ingredient away as soon as we were done with it. While the cookies were baking they got their pajamas on, and then put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher, and then the cookies were done! This was a great experience for me because it turned my least favorite part of the day(the hour between dinner and bedtime) into something fun for everyone. Plus, then I had cookies. 😍
And these last few days that I have been stuck at home with a cold, I decided I might as well take advantage of it and potty train William(which is going pretty well by the way). I haven’t done the dishes in days, but at least William is peeing in the toilet!
Anyway, I think what I learned most is that depression is more than just “feeling sad”. And that when I find myself feeling this way, I don’t have to shut myself off from my family. I can find small things to do to get through it.
I didn’t really think about myself as depressed because I wasn’t “sad”. But since learning more about my anxiety I have recognized that I do have bouts of depression along with my anxiety. This typically happens when I am most overwhelmed. It’s like my body and mind just shut off. I’m super tired, and wake up in the morning not feeling rested. I just want to stay in bed all day. (Not really an option with a toddler running around) And I find no enjoyment in doing things that I typically love. The week before I saw my doctor and started on medication was pretty bad. I spent the whole week on the couch(it would have been my bed if William wasn’t a mini-tornado), just watching tv. I just felt so tired! I couldn’t accomplish anything! One evening that week, I came upstairs to go to the bathroom, but Aaron was in our bathroom, so I laid on the bed to wait for him...and fell asleep! At 630! And I slept for the next 12 hours! You would think that I would have been totally rested and refreshed the next morning...nope. Still tired.
Since being on my medication, this has been better...but not completely gone. This past week has been tough because I also have a cold. So I don’t feel good, I’m tired, and just generally unmotivated. But I have been able to find small things to accomplish or enjoy.
A few days ago I was feeling depressed and usually this creates a very un-fun environment for the girls. They want to do things, they want interaction and all I want to do is send them to bed so I can have some quiet and just rest. So I decided that I would do an activity with them that would take some time, wouldn’t be too loud or messy, that I could mostly control. We made cookies 😂. I told the girls my expectations: I would do the dishes and they would clean off the table and counter and then we could make cookies. I gave Abby the recipe and had her get out all of the ingredients. The kids each took turns putting in the ingredients one at a time, and Abby put each ingredient away as soon as we were done with it. While the cookies were baking they got their pajamas on, and then put the clean dishes away from the dishwasher, and then the cookies were done! This was a great experience for me because it turned my least favorite part of the day(the hour between dinner and bedtime) into something fun for everyone. Plus, then I had cookies. 😍
And these last few days that I have been stuck at home with a cold, I decided I might as well take advantage of it and potty train William(which is going pretty well by the way). I haven’t done the dishes in days, but at least William is peeing in the toilet!
Anyway, I think what I learned most is that depression is more than just “feeling sad”. And that when I find myself feeling this way, I don’t have to shut myself off from my family. I can find small things to do to get through it.
Wednesday, November 22, 2017
The “A” word
I have been thinking about starting to blog again for a while now...I feel like it would be somewhat therapeutic to talk about what's been going on in my life. Although I originally started this blog as a way to keep up with family, at least for the next little while I'm going to be focusing more on me.
So, now for the big "A" word
Anxiety.
I recently decided that it was time that I talked with a doctor about the anxiety that I have been experiencing and try to find some solutions.
To start I'm going to talk about three main questions about my anxiety: What does my anxiety feel like? How long have I been feeling this way? And, What are my options for treatment?
What does my anxiety feel like?
When I first told Aaron that I had scheduled an appointment to talk with a doctor about anxiety medications, I think he was a little confused. He didn't know what I meant when I said I had been feeling "off" for several weeks/months. For me, I feel like my anxiety is always present in the back of my mind. It's mostly a quiet voice in my mind that diminishes everything I am. Especially in social situations. I hate going to events where I don't know people, or where I'll have to make small talk. I constantly have an inner dialogue of "they don't want to talk to me", "I can't believe I just said that, do they think I'm stupid", "does this person understand my sarcasm, or do they think I'm just really mean", "I wish I wasn't here". Aaron doesn't get why I hate events, but to me it's just so exhausting! But it's even more than that. I don't like interacting with people in general. I don't like making phone calls (in fact I'll put it off as long as possible if it's not necessary), I don't like answering the front door, I'll go out of my way to avoid talking to people. I always assume people won't remember me, or want to talk to me, so even if I recognize someone (say at the grocery store) I won't say hello to them unless they say hello first and then I try to keep conversation to a minimum. I'm sure people have thought that I was rude or that I didn't like them because of the way that I acted, but it's really just because I'm self-conscious about whether they actually want to talk to me, or they're just being polite.
When I'm at home my anxiety is usually a little better without the outside judgement that I always feel when I'm in public, but it is still present. I have to keep calendars and to do lists of the things I need to get done because I'm constantly forgetting things because my brain is always switching from one thing to the next. I have a hard time focusing on one task because I keep thinking about the other things I need to get done. I'll decide to do the dishes, but then I can't do the dishes until I clean off the table, and I can't clean off the table until I clean off the counter, where do all of these school papers go, does Abby need to keep them or can I throw them away, what is this paper about an activity at school, she needs to take what to school, does she even have that, I think I saw one up on the craft table, oh my goodness the craft table is a mess, I can't put stuff away until I clean out the cupboard, my goodness the whole playroom is a mess, this goes in the girls room, holy cow the girls room is a mess too, oh and I still need to do their laundry, let's gather up all their laundry and get that started, oh and I should throw William's clothes in there too...where is William..I haven't heard him in a while...crap. This is my brain. All day, every day. And in the end I just feel exhausted. But I can't sleep because my brain still continues the dialogue through the night. And all of this is just how I feel normally, not even adding anything remotely stressful into the mix. That's when my symptoms switch from mental, to physical.
When something stressful happens, I feel like my body responds physically instead of emotionally. If someone were to ask me how I was doing, I would say fine, because mentally, I'm fine. I'm not freaking out, I have everything under control. But really, I can't breathe. I feel like I'm carrying around a weighted vest, and that I can't take a full breath. I feel like my heart is beating fast, but really it's not. My body feels overwhelmed and that translates to sensory overload. Sounds are too loud, lights are too bright, and most especially touch is way too much. It feels like my whole body is electrified and if someone tries to touch me it's like it's sending an electric charge across my skin. And when it's really bad, I have a panic attack. I hyperventilate, and cry(sob really). I get through it by repeating my mantra "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay" while trying to regulate my breathing. All fun stuff, right?
How long have I been feeling this way?
My daily anxiety has been present for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone felt the way I did. Honestly I didn't realize that I was different until one time, watching a movie with my mom, and the main characters meet and just start talking to each other and end up setting up a date for later that night. I turned to my mom and said something like, "do people actually do that? Just start talking to people that they don't know, and start hanging out with them?" and she looked at me a little strange and said, "yes...I talk to people all the time. In line at the grocery store, or at the bank(her work)". And that was so foreign to me! I could not understand how people could do that! Even just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. That's when I first started thinking that maybe what I was feeling was something beyond normal. This was probably...oh, 6 months ago. Then, last month my anxiety became overwhelming. We had several stressful events happen in succession. Aaron went out of town, then his brother and our niece were in a car accident, we went down to help them out while they were still in the hospital, then when we came back, Aaron went in to the ER because he had been feeling some chest pains(turns out it was acid reflux, but we didn't know that for a few weeks), then the next week my brother was coming in to town for a visit (fun, but stressful getting ready), and Haley had another doctors appointment and MRI. By the time all of this was done, I just felt drained. Emotionally and physically. It got to the point that I was only doing the bare minimum.
I would wake up when I had to. I had to take the girls to school. I would wash clothes and dishes when clean ones ran out, but other than that I would sit on the couch and watch tv. I couldn't even gather up the motivation to do anything else. I would be sitting there, thinking about all of the things I could be doing, SHOULD be doing, but I couldn't even force myself off the couch. I would feel accomplished for performing even the smallest tasks, but that feeling would soon go away once I realized that Aaron would be home soon and would see/not see everything that I hadn't done.
It was then that I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. Something had to change. Aaron's work schedule is unpredictable at best, and has him gone for weeks at a time at the worst. And next year he's going to be deployed. I have to function. So I fought everything in me and made a phone call. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about anxiety medication. Which brings me to number 3:
What are my options for treatment?
I set out with the intention of starting anxiety medication. I know that talking with a therapist could help and I intend to add it into my treatment plan, but for right now I knew that what I was experiencing was beyond the "I'm feeling stressed and I need to talk to someone about it" stage. I talked with my doctor about what I had been feeling and what had been going on. I described my symptoms and explained what I was looking for in a medication. And I was given a prescription for Zoloft. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks now. I've definitely noticed an improvement. I am able to motivate myself to accomplish day to day things. I don't feel the beginnings of panic when someone talks to me in the grocery store. And, bonus, I haven't been stress eating all the time, so I've been able to be more purposeful in my eating. However, it's not a magic solution. There will be random times that I can feel the anxiety creeping back in (usually just for a couple minutes) and then it will fade. I still don't like social interaction, but at least I can do it without panicking now. And when something stressful is going on, it still becomes overwhelming. Last week Haley had another appointment with her neurologist and the couple of days leading up to it were still overwhelming and I was back to where I started. I even had a panic attack. So going forward, I may look into the option of a controlled dose for everyday with maybe something that I might be able to add for the times that are super stressful. I don't know whether that would work, or if it's even an option...but I'll talk with my doctor about it at my next appointment.
The other thing I'll be looking to add is counseling. I did talk with a counselor on base...but I was not impressed. I just felt like she wasn't really getting what I was talking about, and she was giving me the textbook answers. I would talk about all the stressful things that were going on last month and she would say "oh, wow. yeah, I can see why you would feel that way". Which I know, doesn't sound like a terrible thing to say, but I didn't really feel like she meant it. It felt like she was just checking the box. "reaffirm feelings- check". Going forward, I want to find a counselor who is LDS also, because I think that would help in understanding my day-to-day lifestyle. That way, if I were to say, "I'm the primary chorister and we just had the primary program last week", they would know exactly what I'm talking about without me having to take a 20 minute detour into explaining what primary is, what I do as the chorister, and what the primary program is. And I feel like they could give me some better advice that would fit my life better, like "have you been reading your scriptures lately?", "how has your personal prayer been going?", "when was the last time you went to the temple?". When I talked with the base counselor she asked me, "when was the last time you did something just for you?". Seriously? I'm a stay at home mom with three small children and a husband in the military who is constantly being sent away for weeks at a time. I honestly just wanted to look at her and say "ain't nobody got time for that!". Besides, I honestly feel like the way to get through these feelings for me is going to be service. Being selfless, not selfish. And I know that sometimes you have to make yourself a priority, but for me, I just don't think that's the long term solution.
Anyway...long post. I don't know if anyone will even read it...but it's mostly for me anyway.
So, now for the big "A" word
Anxiety.
I recently decided that it was time that I talked with a doctor about the anxiety that I have been experiencing and try to find some solutions.
To start I'm going to talk about three main questions about my anxiety: What does my anxiety feel like? How long have I been feeling this way? And, What are my options for treatment?
What does my anxiety feel like?
When I first told Aaron that I had scheduled an appointment to talk with a doctor about anxiety medications, I think he was a little confused. He didn't know what I meant when I said I had been feeling "off" for several weeks/months. For me, I feel like my anxiety is always present in the back of my mind. It's mostly a quiet voice in my mind that diminishes everything I am. Especially in social situations. I hate going to events where I don't know people, or where I'll have to make small talk. I constantly have an inner dialogue of "they don't want to talk to me", "I can't believe I just said that, do they think I'm stupid", "does this person understand my sarcasm, or do they think I'm just really mean", "I wish I wasn't here". Aaron doesn't get why I hate events, but to me it's just so exhausting! But it's even more than that. I don't like interacting with people in general. I don't like making phone calls (in fact I'll put it off as long as possible if it's not necessary), I don't like answering the front door, I'll go out of my way to avoid talking to people. I always assume people won't remember me, or want to talk to me, so even if I recognize someone (say at the grocery store) I won't say hello to them unless they say hello first and then I try to keep conversation to a minimum. I'm sure people have thought that I was rude or that I didn't like them because of the way that I acted, but it's really just because I'm self-conscious about whether they actually want to talk to me, or they're just being polite.
When I'm at home my anxiety is usually a little better without the outside judgement that I always feel when I'm in public, but it is still present. I have to keep calendars and to do lists of the things I need to get done because I'm constantly forgetting things because my brain is always switching from one thing to the next. I have a hard time focusing on one task because I keep thinking about the other things I need to get done. I'll decide to do the dishes, but then I can't do the dishes until I clean off the table, and I can't clean off the table until I clean off the counter, where do all of these school papers go, does Abby need to keep them or can I throw them away, what is this paper about an activity at school, she needs to take what to school, does she even have that, I think I saw one up on the craft table, oh my goodness the craft table is a mess, I can't put stuff away until I clean out the cupboard, my goodness the whole playroom is a mess, this goes in the girls room, holy cow the girls room is a mess too, oh and I still need to do their laundry, let's gather up all their laundry and get that started, oh and I should throw William's clothes in there too...where is William..I haven't heard him in a while...crap. This is my brain. All day, every day. And in the end I just feel exhausted. But I can't sleep because my brain still continues the dialogue through the night. And all of this is just how I feel normally, not even adding anything remotely stressful into the mix. That's when my symptoms switch from mental, to physical.
When something stressful happens, I feel like my body responds physically instead of emotionally. If someone were to ask me how I was doing, I would say fine, because mentally, I'm fine. I'm not freaking out, I have everything under control. But really, I can't breathe. I feel like I'm carrying around a weighted vest, and that I can't take a full breath. I feel like my heart is beating fast, but really it's not. My body feels overwhelmed and that translates to sensory overload. Sounds are too loud, lights are too bright, and most especially touch is way too much. It feels like my whole body is electrified and if someone tries to touch me it's like it's sending an electric charge across my skin. And when it's really bad, I have a panic attack. I hyperventilate, and cry(sob really). I get through it by repeating my mantra "I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay" while trying to regulate my breathing. All fun stuff, right?
How long have I been feeling this way?
My daily anxiety has been present for as long as I can remember. I thought everyone felt the way I did. Honestly I didn't realize that I was different until one time, watching a movie with my mom, and the main characters meet and just start talking to each other and end up setting up a date for later that night. I turned to my mom and said something like, "do people actually do that? Just start talking to people that they don't know, and start hanging out with them?" and she looked at me a little strange and said, "yes...I talk to people all the time. In line at the grocery store, or at the bank(her work)". And that was so foreign to me! I could not understand how people could do that! Even just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. That's when I first started thinking that maybe what I was feeling was something beyond normal. This was probably...oh, 6 months ago. Then, last month my anxiety became overwhelming. We had several stressful events happen in succession. Aaron went out of town, then his brother and our niece were in a car accident, we went down to help them out while they were still in the hospital, then when we came back, Aaron went in to the ER because he had been feeling some chest pains(turns out it was acid reflux, but we didn't know that for a few weeks), then the next week my brother was coming in to town for a visit (fun, but stressful getting ready), and Haley had another doctors appointment and MRI. By the time all of this was done, I just felt drained. Emotionally and physically. It got to the point that I was only doing the bare minimum.
I would wake up when I had to. I had to take the girls to school. I would wash clothes and dishes when clean ones ran out, but other than that I would sit on the couch and watch tv. I couldn't even gather up the motivation to do anything else. I would be sitting there, thinking about all of the things I could be doing, SHOULD be doing, but I couldn't even force myself off the couch. I would feel accomplished for performing even the smallest tasks, but that feeling would soon go away once I realized that Aaron would be home soon and would see/not see everything that I hadn't done.
It was then that I decided that I couldn't do it anymore. Something had to change. Aaron's work schedule is unpredictable at best, and has him gone for weeks at a time at the worst. And next year he's going to be deployed. I have to function. So I fought everything in me and made a phone call. I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about anxiety medication. Which brings me to number 3:
What are my options for treatment?
I set out with the intention of starting anxiety medication. I know that talking with a therapist could help and I intend to add it into my treatment plan, but for right now I knew that what I was experiencing was beyond the "I'm feeling stressed and I need to talk to someone about it" stage. I talked with my doctor about what I had been feeling and what had been going on. I described my symptoms and explained what I was looking for in a medication. And I was given a prescription for Zoloft. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks now. I've definitely noticed an improvement. I am able to motivate myself to accomplish day to day things. I don't feel the beginnings of panic when someone talks to me in the grocery store. And, bonus, I haven't been stress eating all the time, so I've been able to be more purposeful in my eating. However, it's not a magic solution. There will be random times that I can feel the anxiety creeping back in (usually just for a couple minutes) and then it will fade. I still don't like social interaction, but at least I can do it without panicking now. And when something stressful is going on, it still becomes overwhelming. Last week Haley had another appointment with her neurologist and the couple of days leading up to it were still overwhelming and I was back to where I started. I even had a panic attack. So going forward, I may look into the option of a controlled dose for everyday with maybe something that I might be able to add for the times that are super stressful. I don't know whether that would work, or if it's even an option...but I'll talk with my doctor about it at my next appointment.
The other thing I'll be looking to add is counseling. I did talk with a counselor on base...but I was not impressed. I just felt like she wasn't really getting what I was talking about, and she was giving me the textbook answers. I would talk about all the stressful things that were going on last month and she would say "oh, wow. yeah, I can see why you would feel that way". Which I know, doesn't sound like a terrible thing to say, but I didn't really feel like she meant it. It felt like she was just checking the box. "reaffirm feelings- check". Going forward, I want to find a counselor who is LDS also, because I think that would help in understanding my day-to-day lifestyle. That way, if I were to say, "I'm the primary chorister and we just had the primary program last week", they would know exactly what I'm talking about without me having to take a 20 minute detour into explaining what primary is, what I do as the chorister, and what the primary program is. And I feel like they could give me some better advice that would fit my life better, like "have you been reading your scriptures lately?", "how has your personal prayer been going?", "when was the last time you went to the temple?". When I talked with the base counselor she asked me, "when was the last time you did something just for you?". Seriously? I'm a stay at home mom with three small children and a husband in the military who is constantly being sent away for weeks at a time. I honestly just wanted to look at her and say "ain't nobody got time for that!". Besides, I honestly feel like the way to get through these feelings for me is going to be service. Being selfless, not selfish. And I know that sometimes you have to make yourself a priority, but for me, I just don't think that's the long term solution.
Anyway...long post. I don't know if anyone will even read it...but it's mostly for me anyway.
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