This has been on my mind for a long time. I’ve been thinking on it ever since my last post, trying to figure out exactly what I wanted to say.
I want to start off by saying that I have forgiven the family member that I discussed in my previous post. I forgave them a long time ago.
Forgiveness is always a tricky topic for me because I feel like there are a lot of misunderstandings about what forgiveness is and what it means.
There are several phrases that are very common that I hate. The first is “Forgive and Forget”. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to forget what happened to me. And I feel like saying that we’re supposed to forgive and forget is misleading. Forgiving him doesn’t mean that I don’t think about what happened, that it doesn’t color some of my choices with my own children, or even that I trust this person. What it does mean is that I have accepted that we are not the choices we have made. I am not perfect, no one is. Everyone has the ability to change and grow and I recognize that possibility for him.
The next one I hate is one that I see constantly working in a preschool. One child hurts another and we tell them to apologize, and the other child says “that’s okay”. I hate that! Now it’s one thing if something was done on accident and they recognize it and are apologizing. But if someone has done something on purpose I don’t think we should be telling them that it’s okay. With my students and my own kids I try to have them apologize, then find a way to fix it/make it better(like asking if they need a hug or helping them rebuild something they broke, etc), and then asking if they are okay. Maybe I’m being nit-picky, but I feel like there is a world of difference between saying “it’s okay” and “I’m okay”.
These two steps were very important to me in getting to a place where I could forgive. Understanding that he has the potential for change, and getting myself to a point where I was okay.
The biggest and most important step for me in my forgiveness process was really getting a good understanding of the atonement. I was reading in The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball, and I found one part in particular that really spoke to me. I can't remember the exact words (and I have yet to go back and read it all again), but it said something that reminded me that the atonement is an individual blessing. And just like Christ suffered for all of my sins, He suffered for my family member's sins. Me, holding on to my own bitterness and resentment and refusing to forgive, was as if I was saying that the atonement should not apply for this person. What they did was so bad, that they don't deserve it. And that is just ridiculous. The atonement is available for and can redeem ANYONE! It's not my job to say who should get it and who shouldn't (thank goodness!). It's not up to me. So I can let it go.
Anyway...It's an ongoing process, and I know that...It's a process for everyone. I'm still trying to improve myself, and I would hope that everyone has something that they're working on.
Long story short: It's not okay, but I'm okay.
