Out Loud

Why is it so hard to say how we really feel?

This is something that I've thought about before. It's one of the reasons I hate small talk. No one really cares when they ask you how you're doing. It's just something to say to pass the time.

Why is it that when we are sick, we have no hesitation about telling people that we don't feel good, but when it's a mental issue we feel like we have to pretend to be okay?

My anxiety or depression may not have many visible symptoms, but I definitely feel just as bad when I am experiencing them as when I am physically sick. But I have found that being honest about how I am feeling has actually helped me to connect with people during a time when I normally feel isolated.

A couple months ago, when I first started this journey, I was having a bad day. My anxiety was running high and it was supposed to be a field trip day with William's preschool group. I knew that I wouldn't be able to deal with the crowds. But instead of making excuses I was honest and told them that my anxiety couldn't handle it.

They were so understanding, and applauded my honesty and openness, but it's still so hard to do! I don't understand it. When I have a cold, I say I have a cold. If I have a headache, I say I have a headache. But why is it so hard to admit out loud that I am feeling depressed? My depression is just as debilitating (if not more so) as any migraine I've had. And I know if I were to tell my husband that I had a migraine that he would be helpful, let me rest, bring me some medicine, keep the kids quiet, etc. But still I have this hesitation with admitting out loud when I'm feeling depressed.

On Monday, the depression that I had been fighting for about a week finally caught up with me. I felt awful! I was exhausted and apathetic and just basically numb. Instead of just generalizing and telling Aaron that I didn't feel good, or that I was tired like I usually do, I told him that I was feeling depressed.

On Thursday I attended a meeting where the speaker talked about her battle with post-partum depression. I was shocked with how openly she was discussing her thoughts of suicide and her thoughts about what "should" make her feel better. She struggled for over a year believing that all she had to do was to focus on being grateful, serve others, be more diligent in her scripture study and prayers. Eventually, it was only when she was laying in bed and wondering how her husband would plan her funeral that she realized she needed help.

And why? Why do we let it get that far?!

I believe one of the biggest reasons is because we don't talk about it. People don't know when to get help because they haven't heard from other people who have been there and gotten the help they needed. It shocked me to hear her talking about her depression and suicidal thoughts, but it shouldn't have! It shouldn't be any stranger to hear someone talk about their depression than it is to hear them talk about any other illness they might be fighting.

Hopefully this is something that we, as a culture, can fix for the next generation...